Hanukkah has come and gone, Christmas is right around the corner, and Kwanzaa begins right after that. We’re in the thick of what’s colloquially known as ‘the holiday season’. This is a time of warm wishes and good cheer.
I certainly hope you have both of those.
Me, I’m struggling.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful for a lot of the good things in my life. But I’m also keenly aware that there are still quite a few goals I have yet to achieve. I’m envious of my past self, the self that had boundless energy and could have accomplished anything. I’m frustrated by daily tasks and chores. I’m struggling daily to maintain at least the semblance of a positive attitude so I don’t completely alienate those around me. And I’m trying to track my finances and be generous to others so I’m neither broke nor a complete shitheel.
I know a lot of people complain around the holidays, for a variety of reasons. The last thing I really wanted to do was engage in a whole mess of belly-aching and whining. I really hate doing that. Yet, here I am, on my blog no less, pouring all of this out through my keyboard onto the screen. Have I really lost this much of the plot? Do I honestly have nothing else to say? I should rambling about my Hearthstone decks, or discussing the board games I’ve gotten in the mail, or talking about my writing progress. I should praise a friend, or analyze a movie or TV series, or at least work on an author page for Facebook because, sooner or later, I’ll need to start self-promoting again.
It’s times like these when I know I should just be bootstrapping my own emotional state. As I am the only real presence inside my own head, I should be the final arbiter of what comes out of me in terms of words and feelings and action. There is a gate between what I think and what I say or do, and I am the gatekeeper. Security has been lax of late, it seems, and I need to lock that shit down. I’m no good to anybody curled up in a corner and crying.
Besides, the bitter cold of winter can’t last forever. And I really am grateful for the good things in my life. I’m trying my utmost to hold on to those things, and disregard the things that are holding me back or dragging me down. I try to step back, observe the situation, and remind myself that the lion’s share of this dreariness is all in my own head.
This is Christmas. I should be happy. I should be content. I should be positive.
At the very least, I’m going to try.