Courtesy Andre Jordan
Art courtesy Andre Jordan

I feel, at times, that I am failing at this whole “adulthood” thing.

I don’t have what people would consider a traditional career path. I’m not looking after or interested in inheriting the family business, as the family doesn’t really have one – other than being awesome. I do not walk in my father’s footsteps, though I do have an intense amount of love and respect for the man and all he and my mother do for this family. I didn’t stay in the stability of an office despite indications of job security, and instead opted for a new path that seems to be, on the whole, better for my personality, if not my prosperity.

I am unsure if that is what people would consider the ‘mature’ thing to do.

I’m not a very conservative person. If you know anything about my political views (which I used to broadcast pretty hard in this blog space) that would be fairly obvious. There’s also the fact that I spend a great deal of time inside my own head. I have story ideas, a desire to write more, thoughts on games and films and comics and entertainment in general, and that’s to say nothing about the static and white noise of various disorders, doubts, and dread tied to mistakes of the past and fears for the future. But, hey, at least I’m still getting resumes and job applications out every day, right?

I should be writing more. I need a tight reign on my spending. I waste too much time, sleep in too late, exercise too little. I criticize myself pretty much daily, if not hourly, because I feel like if I don’t, I will accomplish even less than the little I already do.

Then again, this could be the influence of depression that comes from being uncertain about income in a situation where I really can’t afford to be. I am aware of this, and struggling to internalize the idea that no, the situation is not hopeless and things will improve, especially if I keep working on it. Even an inch of progress towards a goal is forward motion, and it’s better than nothing. I have to hold on to that.

I’m going to finish this post, look after the needs of the cats, and hopefully do more writing and job hunting before I get terribly distracted. I do have a great deal of work ahead of me, and nobody else can do it for me.

I guess that realization and the actions that follow in its wake really are a mark of adulthood.

Even if I have no real clue as to what I’m going to be doing next.