Tag: personal (page 3 of 14)

Return Of The Blue

September 7, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Bard by BlueInkAlchemist, on Flickr

I can’t even begin to fully articulate what the last few weeks have been like for me.

Hospital. Near-eviction. Rapid, rabid mood swings. Disastrous car trouble. More car trouble. Moving. PAX. Yelling. Broken phones. Tears.

And yet…

Here I am. Whole. Unbowed. Determined. Unbent. Successful. Unbroken.

If I can survive this, I can probably survive just about anything. And despite the best efforts of my badbrain (which can be broken down into “head weasels” as my friend Faust puts it), I survived.

I’m sitting in the new apartment with things boxed up and some furniture needing assembly and distribution to rooms, but for the most part, it’s starting to feel comfortably like home. I can walk down to the nearby transit center, getting some very welcome daily cardio, and catch a bus downtown. I work there, now, at a lovely Starbucks, slinging coffee and smiling at folks who just want to get through their meetings or finish filing TPS reports. I remember that life, and I don’t envy them a bit. Getting back into food service has been like falling off of a bike: easy, and while it might have scraped me up a bit, gravity is a good force for teaching you how to pace yourself.

After my shift, I can walk up the hill to the Seattle Central Library, and write in a secluded, quiet space. I have some new ideas for the novel, and while I cringe at the thought of going back to the beginning to adjust something, I know it’ll benefit all future revisions and edits, as well as the final product. So that’s another to-do list item to check off come Tuesday.

For now, though, I’m resting and recouperating.

PAX was fantastic, in and of itself. I’ve often said that working a show brings out the best version of myself. Being around people I love and haven’t seen in months can kick me into a bit of a manic state, and I use that energy for positive, productive ends. I ride the demon; I do not let it ride me. It’s a mindset I need to continue to maintain outside of shows, and I’m hopeful that working a well-defined job with a solid schedule can help me do that. At PAX, I’m now in a managerial position, and this last show saw me helping with a new department. From all accounts, it went quite well. I’ve now been tapped for similar work with GeekGirlCon, and I predict making it to most if not all of the PAX shows in 2016. It’s a huge part of my life and a major inspiration.

As for everything else, the darkest of my dark thoughts feel far more irrational and distant than even a week before this writing. I’ve gotten my medication adjusted, and I’m seeing therapists again on a regular basis. I’m doing my utmost to keep lines of communication open and maintain honesty, without being cruel or unfeeling. Thinking before I speak, that sort of thing. It feels like this has been sort of a ‘soft reset’, on many levels. And I plan on making the most of it.

It feels like I’ve been away. Almost as if I’ve been separated from myself. I haven’t lost sight of my goals, but after everything I’ve been through in the past few weeks, those goals no longer seem so distant, so unobtainable. I can’t pretend that I don’t have hard work ahead of me. But at the same time, it’s work for which I’m suited. Telling stories. Seeing people as people. Listening. Feeling. Thinking on a situation and giving advice that not only placates, but guides and reinforces.

I am a good writer. A good friend. A good worker. A good person.

Nobody can take those things away from me.

Not even me.

Gone Dark

April 29, 2015 / / 0 Comments

Courtesy Vertigo

The last few days have not been kind to me.

Oh, the weekend was a blast. Any chance I get to see the wonderful friends I’m now close enough to see more than once a year is a good one. I managed to go to a soccer match for the first time in a long time, with passionate fans in fancy dress, picking up chants and even getting scarfed by one of the most dedicated and singular people I know. I had a ball.

Then the week began and everything just sort of fell apart.

I won’t bore you with gory details. I’ll just say that on top of the stuffy head and general discombobulation, I’m heartsick and once again sorting and dealing with a plethora of negative emotions. This could be a possible downswing from the high of the weekend; it could also get attributed to a particular incident that occurred immediately after said weekend. Or it could be a combination of the two.

Whatever it is, it’s pretty awful.

Anyway. That’s where I’ve been the last couple days. I’ll try to get the blog schedule back on track. I know I need to. Hammering out a routine is pretty key to emotional stability, and mine continues to meander here and there without me having much control over it.

I really need to put a stop to that.

500 Words On Depression

April 24, 2015 / / 0 Comments

It sucks.

Part of me just wants to repeat those two words 250 times and be done with the subject. But, even though this is my personal webspace, a tiny little corner of the vast Internet, I do try to present my work and my thoughts in a more professional manner than that. If this were a post on Tumblr in the midst of a miasma of self-doubt and loathing, yeah, I might just type “IT SUCKS” over and over again. But let’s talk about it, here.

I think a lot of people have some misconceptions about depression.

There are certainly days when it is difficult to overcome the miasma of gray clouds and dark thoughts that weigh down the mind of the victim. However, the desire for overcoming is still there. It’s definitely stronger on some days more than others, but it never really goes away. Think of it like this: if someone loses their legs, they still want to cross a room entirely under their own power, but extra effort is required, with arms or wheels or prostheses. Suffering from depression is a lot like that, only it’s entirely cerebral, and not at all as well recognized or supported.

You have to look at it that way, though. Depression is a disease. It’s a disability. You suffer from it. It plays merry hell on your confidence, your expectations, your energy, and your ambitions. And it isn’t something someone just “gets over”. You can’t just “snap yourself out” of depression. You can take steps to mitigate it, surround yourself with a support network to stave off its effects, get yourself in front of a therapist, and even begin a regimen of medication. But, in the end, the disability is there. It’s just under the surface. And it isn’t going away.

It sucks.

It comes in a whole lot of flavors, too. It’s part of bipolar disorder, it can be affected and invoked by seasonal change, it can even emerge as the result of childbirth. As if allowing new life to gestate within your body wasn’t hard enough, and dealing with all of the bullshit that comes with being seeing as good for nothing more than that by a great deal of the world’s population, mothers have to deal with depression on top of everything? That’s just straight-up unfair.

So depression sucks. It needs to be acknowledged as a disability and a disease. It keeps people away from their passions. It saps energy, costs productive hours, and drains all sorts of resources as it runs roughshod over the psyches and emotions of a lot of people who feel ashamed or uncertain about bringing their problems into the light. This is unforgivable. If someone was crippled from birth or in an accident, or contracted a debilitating disease with outward shows, like cancer or leprosy, the need for help would be undeniable.

But depression, on top of everything else, is invisible. It’s invasive and insidious, sure, but invisible, as well?

Fuck you, depression.

500 Words on Goals

December 12, 2014 / / 0 Comments

Courtesy The Oatmeal
Shut up, Blerch.

A lot of people have long-term goals. Finishing school, meeting a deadline, saving up for a house or car, starting a business, the list goes on. But there are short-term goals, too, and they are just as vital.

Like long-term goals, these take a variety of forms. Write a number of words. Run a certain distance. Spend less than a given amount in total, or just at the grocery store. Beat a personal record in exercise or leisure activity. When long-term goals seem out of reach, or silence is the answer to questions addressing them, short-terms goals are even more important.

There are a lot of things that can happen over the course of a day. Plans can change. All sorts of events change the schedule of a given timeframe. And changes can be detrimental to goals. Factor in things like fatigue, sickness, distraction, or emotion, and the completion of goals can be thrown into question.

I struggle with this quite a bit. I used to be on a regular schedule for exercise, and have been attempting to regain some momentum in that along with meeting daily writing goals. My body isn’t quite up to a daily regimen of running yet, and my legs are doing quite a bit of protesting. And then there’s the Blerch to consider, pictured above.

I recently picked up The Terrible and Wonderful Reasons I Run Long Distances, and I feel an odd kinship with Matthew Inman. I’m not an artist, nor is my comedic timing as good as his, but I have a similar habit of treating myself like a circius animal. When I do a “trick”, my inclination is to reward myself. And when I fail, my incination is to get angry with myself.

This is probably not the most healthy of reactions. I know, logically, that a body not used to regular cardiovascular exercise needs time to adapt. I also know that there are emotional and mental complications to consider. I am often fighting through a wall of white noise, in my own head at least, which can make keeping myself focused on my own goalposts difficult. External ones, like hard due dates and deadlines, are much easier to clearly work towards. Those I set on my own tend to give me more difficulty. In my rational mind, however, I know that my difficulties are born from inside myself, and therefore, they can be beaten.

Just like outrunning the Blerch, I can, in essence, outwrite the white noise.

This weekend is going to be a busy for me. I hope to get the site refitted, work more on things worthy of Patreon and your attentions, and get back on track with things like this solid blog schedule and maintaining a consistent word couunt on a day to day basis. The holidays are fast approaching, as well, and I will be travelling to my parents’ home at the end of the month. Hopefully, by then, I will have a better handle on my goals.

From The Vault: Why Take This Matters

December 8, 2014 / / 0 Comments

I’m still shaking off the doldrums and getting myself back on track. While I make more steps towards that, please feel free to read over this post about one of the best initiatives I’ve ever had the pleasure of helping with, even as a source of moral and financial support. It’s important.

Courtesy Take This

It’s dangerous to go alone. Take this.

Some of the earliest, most indelible memories some of my generation has when it comes to video games involve taking a sword from an old man who just spoke those fateful words. “It’s dangerous to go alone.” The world is going to try and kill you. Monsters prowl in the shadows, ready to destroy your body and devour your dreams. Perils you won’t see coming are fully prepared to swallow you whole. You need to defend yourself. You must be prepared to combat your challenges and overcome your obstacles. “Take this.”

We didn’t know it at the time, but this wasn’t just advice that applied to the world of Hyrule. It applies to our world, too.

We may not have to deal with the extant threats in many video games, but the world is still going to try and kill you, spiritually if not physically. I’m not talking about religion specifically, but rather in terms of the human spirit. The singular and the extraordinary are far, far too often pushed and held down by society at large, and it’s easy to fall into a pattern of conformity and ‘normal’ behavior, just to get by. But not everyone can pull off acting ‘normal’. For some, it’s a daily challenge, and some days, it’s an hourly one.

I’ve both faced this struggle myself, and done my utmost to help others cope with it. It’s easy to think, in our darkest hours, that we’re facing these challenges alone. And it’s dangerous to go alone.

The fact is, however, that we are not.

Take This is, according to their site, “a charitable organization founded to increase awareness, education and empathy for those suffering from emotional issues, their families and greater institutions with the goal to eradicate the stigma of mental illness.” While not exclusively dealing with the gaming community, the founders work within that community, as journalists and organizers, and so focus a great deal of their outreach to gamers, through sharing stories via their website and holding panels at events like PAX.

I’m a little lucky, when you get right down to it. I share my stories all the time. I have some skill at articulating myself and the means to do it. I let myself take the time to breathe, to contemplate, and to share. Not everybody is so lucky. Not everybody feels they have a safe place to unburden themselves of the pain and anxiety and uncertainty and loneliness they feel.

And the fact is, everybody should have that.

That’s why Take This matters. They’re just getting started, and I want to see them grow. Their first PAX Prime panel last year was a great success, as was their first ever at PAX East 2014, and they’re returning to Boston next month (EDIT: it was another AMAZING panel). Their site is full of stories that have needed to be heard, they’re going to be looking to grow as much as possible, and they can’t do it alone. None of us should be alone in this fight. Our chances of survival are much greater if we face our challenges together.

The world is a dangerous and cold place. Emotions and mental imbalance can topple even the best of ideas when the world gets involved. It’s dangerous to go alone.

But you don’t have to be alone.

Take this.

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