2010 – Page 8 – Blue Ink Alchemy

Year: 2010 (page 8 of 73)

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Trapped in Paradise

This week’s IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! brought to you by a generous donation by Mike Jarossy. Thank you for your support!

[audio:http://www.blueinkalchemy.com/uploads/trapped.mp3]

The holiday season is upon us once again. Just today I saw my first snowfall. I caught sight of it while watching Trapped in Paradise, a caper comedy from the 90s. Why was I looking out the window instead of at the movie, you ask? Because, for once, we have a little truth in advertising. The key word in the title of this completely unfunny and utterly lifeless flick is not “paradise”, but rather “trapped.”

Bill Firpo is a reformed thief trying to run a restaurant in New York City. His brothers, Dave and Alvin, are let out of prison into Bill’s custody. Almost immediately, Dave yanks Bill into a plot to knock over a bank in a sleepy Pennsylvania town on Christmas Eve. The town is so sleepy and the bank’s security so lax, it practically robs itself. However, two other cons had been sizing up the bank, the local yokels running the general store are deputy sheriffs and there’s a major blizzard about to slap the town silly. And because that clearly wasn’t enough for the writers, save for the bank teller who gets a pass because she’s the love interest and Bill himself, everybody, and I mean everybody, is either incredibly nice or incredibly stupid. And… that’s funny? I guess?

I’ll say this for Trapped in Paradise – it’s shot crisply and cleanly. Considering this is a holiday movie and we want things looking nice and idyllic to get people in the mood for overindulgences in shopping, eating and passive-aggressive family awkwardness, you don’t want to catapult your audience out of the experience with shoddy camera work. And the locales do look nice. It definitely looks a lot like some of the small towns nestled into the forest-covered mountains of Pennsylvania, and I did find myself wishing I was in one of those towns. Playing a game of Arkham Horror, perhaps, or finding a local pub warmed by a wood-fueled fireplace and serving a nice stout. Hell, I’d have settled for watching rednecks waddle through Wal*Mart after a turkey binge over this crap.

And, seriously. What’s up with these hats?

The big draw of this movie is that two of its three leading men were pretty big comedians back when it was shot. Jon Lovitz is that kind of cynical comic who takes after Rodney Dangerfield, more often than not playing up his obvious lack of Hollywood handsomeness for laughs of varying degrees. His best work, in my opinion, was on Saturday Night Live as Master Thespian or on the short-lived animated series The Critic. In both instances his wit was acerbic, his timing was excellent and his physical presence adding to the comedy rather than being its focal point. Trapped in Paradise instead saddles him with either ADHD or some form of Asperger’s Syndrome, as he never seems to be able to remain focused when he’s outside of some scheme or other. Any comedian could have played this role. It wouldn’t have been any better, I’m just saying it’s utterly generic holiday caper stuff.

And then, there’s Dana Carvey. Here we have a comedic chameleon. I mean, this guy played Hans (of Hans & Franz), the Church Lady and Garth Algar, sometimes all within the same hour. He’s done all sorts of impressions, from George H.W. Bush to Johnny Carson, from Woody Allen to Frank Zappa. In this, he’s doing an impression… of a retard. Who’s also a kleptomaniac. Couldn’t they have written the script so he could be himself for once? Did they have to force him into a nasal, annoying, high-pitched voice for every line and make him stupid? Usually in a comedy of this type you have one part of the team who’s the straight man and the other one bumbling around. Trapped in Paradise tries to give us two bumblers and ends up dropping the whole enterprise when it tosses the plot to them and they start arguing about who gets to carry it.

Yeah. Hilarious.

The only – and I do mean only – saving grace in this disaster of writing and acting is Nicholas Cage. And even he gets mishandled every other scene. At first, he seemed to be yanked back and forth by his own compulsions. He wants to do the right thing but he’s something of a career thief. The moment the other two ignorant jerks get involved, however, they almost immediately bring out the worst in him. And I don’t mean in terms of crime, I mean in terms of schizophrenic flip-flopping between that straight and tortured portrayal and just plain torture. If anybody’s trapped in this movie, it’s poor Nick Cage. The director can’t even seem to give him a consistent accent or manner of speech. He’s so completely wasted in this trash it makes me want to cry.

In a comedy, if your leading team isn’t funny, the rest of the damn picture doesn’t stand a chance. The jokes fall flat almost immediately, the story nearly grinds to a halt several times, none of the lines feel genuine and Paradise is apparently built over an ancient mystical portal to another realm that constantly churns out patrol cars. I’ve seen some pretty horrible things lately: the latest round of elections in this country, the bills from my utility companies, the box off returns from Scott Pilgrim. But I would take getting told by tea baggers how much I hate freedom by supporting federal health care, get paddled by bill collectors and have anonymous douchebags on the Internet tell me how awesome The Expendables is over watching Trapped in Paradise again. Hopefully, by the time you read or hear this, I will be passed out and in the throes of a turkey coma so deep, I’ll have forgotten this stinking, steaming and utter turd of a movie ever existed.

Josh Loomis can’t always make it to the local megaplex, and thus must turn to alternative forms of cinematic entertainment. There might not be overpriced soda pop & over-buttered popcorn, and it’s unclear if this week’s film came in the mail or was delivered via the dark & mysterious tubes of the Internet. Only one thing is certain… IT CAME FROM NETFLIX.

Quit Yer Bitchin’

November 25, 2010 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

Courtesy leadershipdynamics.wordpress.com

Today’s a day where people gather around a table with their families and express thanks at good things that have happened, or continue to happen, over the past year. It’s one of those highfalutin’ “tradition” things. But lately there have been a lot less thankful people out there. They don’t seem thankful for much of anything, save either the freedom of speech or the anonymity of the Internet.

They’re upset at the government. They’re upset with movies that are being made. They’re upset with design decisions driving new games and expansions to existing ones. And they’re very, very upset that people disagree with their opinions.

I will admit I’ve fallen into this trap myself from time to time. If you’ve tuned into the Classholes Anonymous podcasts at all, more than once you’ve heard me sipping on some Hateraide. I really enjoy smart entertainment and get a little irked when clever stuff gets bumped for something that panders to less discriminatory tastes. And I’m bitter about the decisions I made in my life that kept me from being where I am before now.

But that last part’s on me. The entertainment thing is something I don’t really have a say in, other than the occasional Facebook group and giving my money to distractions more worthy of my time and investment. As for the hate, I try to keep it in check. It’s not good for myself or those around me to lash out at the slightest things that irritate me.

However, there are a lot of people who don’t keep their rage in check. Any little slight or change to the status-quo and there will be gallons of hatred flowing through the Intertubes. Fox News’ pundits and their associated bloggers and other cronies seem to thrive on discontent, digging deep for even the slightest flub to blow out of proportion into a political scandal the likes of which hasn’t been seen in our lifetime. Hyperbole mixed with ignorance breeds blind hatred, and that never ends well. Just ask the victims of the Inquisition, the Holocaust or anyone who’s ever found a burning cross on their lawn.

I’m not saying hatred is an invalid emotion that should be suppressed, but spewing vitriol indiscriminately isn’t going to help anybody. Channel that emotion in some constructive way. If you disagree with someone or something, find a way to express that disagreement in such a way that the flaw you perceive is presented more as a polite critique than a call for revolution. I think you’ll find your argument will be taken a bit more seriously, and you may just cause the source of the problem to see the situation in a different light.

Otherwise… seriously, folks. Quit yer bitchin’.

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory

November 24, 2010 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

So, what can you do with $5 these days? Get a Happy Meal, or a footlong sub. Take a ride on a mass transit people-mover. Put just over a gallon of gasoline in your car.

Or, get yourself lots, and I mean lots, of entertainment.

On the surface, Poker Night at the Inventory sounds like something thought up as a cute little “what if” scenario. Simply, this is bunch of Internet favorites gathered together to play some no-limit Texas Hold ‘Em in a private, semi-secret club established as a holdout first against Prohibition, then the idea of games becoming shunned or banned. While some of us might simply sit around drinking and talking about how such a scenario might play out, Telltale Games took a break from their succession of point-and-click adventure entries that breathed new life into some neglected LucasArts franchises and made the scenario happen. It’s now available on Steam, and the results are simple, addictive and hilarious.

They saved you a seat.

The characters are, as I said, favorites of the Internet. First is Max, of the Sam & Max Freelance Police. Of the two, Max has always been the unhinged one. His tendency is to solve his problems with violence. The rabbit from Monty Python & the Holy Grail has nothing on the lagomorph, since the furry little slayer of knights never ran off at the mouth about how much he enjoys the taste of kneecaps. He’s here thanks to Telltale Games bringing him and his big canine partner back from the grave LucasArts dug for them in the 90s.

Next is StrongBad, of Homestar Runner. He first appeared courtesy of TellTale in his Cool Game for Attractive People. Apparently the only thing he got out of the game’s designers was “a recommendation for a cool hang-out.” He’s the shortest player at the table, but do not judge him by his size. Or the fact that he can hold his cards quite well despite the boxing gloves.

Taking a break from crushing tiny baby-men with bare hands, the Heavy of Team RED came to the Inventory after the Engineer showed him where it was. Apparently, destroying opponents in games of poker is just as satisfying as mowing them down with Sasha. Not only does he bring his distinctive voice and imposing presence, the Heavy also shares quite a bit about himself. You may just find out what his favorite movies are.

Last but certainly not least, Tycho of Penny Arcade may seem to be the most reasonable one at the table, but don’t be fooled. He brings not only his trusty 20-sided die but also portents of doom and his rapier-sharp rapid-fire wit. He rounds out your opponents nicely.

The dialog and interactions in this game are fantastic. They alone are worth the price of admission. And, really, they’re what you’re paying for. As a representation of Texas Hold ‘Em goes, it’s not going to set the world on fire. Max might, though, if I don’t wrap this review up quickly.

In contrast to a lot of Steam titles available, this is a relaxing and fun little enterprise. One-liners whip across the table as your opponents taunt one another and call you out to match their bets. Even when you’re not playing, say for example after Strong Bad went all in on what seemed to be a weak flop only to pull a flush out of his mask, you’re pretty much guaranteed to have a good time. There’s hours of entertainment here, and for $5 on Steam, you can’t ask for more and might expect much less. Poker Night at the Inventory is packed to the brim with more than you’d think, from fantastic dialog to Team Fortress 2 unlockables, and is worth every penny.

Into The Nentir Vale: Part 5

November 23, 2010 / BlueInkAlchemist / 0 Comments

The Nentir Vale is a campaign setting provided to new players of Dungeons & Dragons 4th Edition. It’s present in the Red Box and most of the starting materials. For a party almost all completely new to D&D and a DM re-familiarizing himself with the latest edition, it’s a great place to start a campaign. This will be an ongoing recollection of what happens to the party as they make their way through the Nentir Vale. Enjoy.

Previously: Who’s in charge of these kobolds, anyway?

The party continued down the King’s Road to Winterhaven. They remained long enough to speak with a few of the locals about the Keep on the Shadowfell. Apparently, it had been occupied but only until recently. Making their way north of Winterhaven to the forbidding ruin of the Keep, they found evidence of the goings-on taking place before its abandonment. Under the ruin through some dank corridors, they found a room almost entirely encased in shadow. The half-completed portal in the room seemed to be absorbing the light from the few guttering torches in the chamber. Despite this dire portent, there was not a living soul to be found among the ruins or the catacombs, and the only clue as to what had happened to either the death cultist Krillorien sought or the goblin war chief mentioned in the letter carried by Lyria was a dark banner, bordered in red with a single symbol in its center: a red circular chain.

“We should take it.” – Ben as Krillorien
“But stealing is wrong!” – Mike as Andrasian
“Lyria’s already taken it.” – Danielle

The party returned to Winterhaven before setting down the King’s Road for Fallcrest. Without wagons or horses, the trek took them two days. Upon arriving they made finding Marla, the priestess of Pelor who had told Krillorien of Malareth’s fascination with death cults and reported activity outside of Winterhaven. They found her in the House of the Sun, speaking with a senior priest, Grundelmar the dwarf. Upon seeing the banner, the priests sent the foursome to the Lord Warden, aware of his interest in the chain symbol but unsure of its significance. Markelhay, happy to see the heroes, told them the banner belonged to the Iron Circle.

A band of mercenaries with a mysterious but undeniable purpose, the Iron Circle first appeared in the Nentir Vale two months before the party’s discovery of their banner in the Keep. While the Lord Warden had gotten no reports of Circle activity anywhere near Winterhaven, he does know they stormed Harken Keep to the southeast and conquered Harkenwold. Markelhay’s friend, Baron Stockmer, was now their captive, and the brigands were exacting “tolls” and confiscations from all who dwelt and passed through the area.

Teldorthan Ironhews had also heard of the Iron Circle. The blacksmith told Andrasian that he’d heard rumors of an old nemesis, Nazin Redthorn, commanding the mercenaries in the Nentir Vale. Fashioning a suit of mail from draconscale recovered by the elf, Teldorthan expressed his desire for the adventurers to return to Redthorn’s head. Lyria was also a beneficiary of the blacksmith, who presented her with an obsidian dagger fashioned by the drow. To explore and empower its enchantments, the halfling and Melanie visited Orest Naerumar, who was delighted to see them. He asked if the rumors were true, and the heroes had rid the Vale of the extant threat within Kobold Hall.

“Yeah, they played tetherball with us.” – Ben

Outfitted and prepared, the heroes found space aboard a wagon train heading south. Rather than go into Harkenwold itself, the driver let them off before taking a fork from the King’s Road towards Hammerfast. Proceeding on foot, the party spotted black smoke and followed it to a scene of a homestead being put to the torch. Iron Circle brigands and their pet wolves had set the outhouse on fire, and when the party approached they dismissed the heroes, saying it was Iron Circle business. A woman’s voice from within the house pointed out that this ‘business’ looked like robbery and murder.

The battle ensued and it was clear the party was a match for the mercenaries. The wolves harried the heroes but they did not last long under the concentrated efforts of Melanie’s spells, Andrasian’s blade, Lyria’s flourishes and Krillorien’s prayers. Inside the house they found a woman named Ilyana and her sons. The homesteader explained that her husband Karthen had been murdered by the mercenaries, but hope remains and the people are ready to fight back. To touch things off, the heroes would need to speak with Reithann, the druid, or Dar Gremath, an old fighter somewhere in the town of Albridge. With the druid’s grove being closer, the heroes set off in that direction first…

Next: Damn Dirty Croakers

All locations, NPCs, spells and equipment copyright Wizards of the Coast unless otherwise noted.

Be A Pitch Machine

November 22, 2010 / BlueInkAlchemist / 2 Comments

This is going to be yet another one of those “advice I should follow myself before I dispense it” posts.

I, like many other authors, have been rejected far more often than I’ve been accepted. From big publishing houses to small press folks, I’ve heard the word NO at least a dozen times before hearing a single YES. It’s something for you aspiring young novelists wrapping up NaNoWriMo to keep in mind when you have your shiny new novel in hand and want to see it get ink.

It applies to other writers, too, or writers between novels or edits of novels looking to keep the writing muscles in tip-top shape without engaging in exercises of long prose. Because let’s face it, you can’t run marathons all the time. The best way to stay in shape is sprints around the track. It keeps the muscles primed and ready for that long haul of 26 miles. For the writer, that means short works. Stories, articles, what have you.

That brings me to the image above. For the uninitiated, that is a pitching machine. And that is what you (and I) need to be.

Be it to anthologies of fiction or magazines like The Escapist or any other type of publication looking for fresh new work to populate their pages, you won’t get in the door if you don’t knock on it. Repeatedly. I’m not saying to be annoying, nor should you just fire off a pitch the moment an idea pops into your head. Your pitch should be just like any other work you produce: refined, edited, free of error and as note-perfect and punch-to-the-guttish as possible. That is to say, someone reading it should feel the wind go out of their lungs in at least a metaphorical sense when they realize what you’re getting at and what you can do for them.

Still, one pitch is never enough. It should never be enough. Find places to pitch, especially if they have multiple issues coming, and pitch as much as you can. Again, you don’t want to get to the point of being annoying or fire off pitches half-formed and smelling slightly of bacon grease and day-old coffee. Strike the right balance between camping outside of their place looking through their windows with envy and donning the black tie and white short-sleeved shirt with pitch in hand, ringing their doorbell over and over until they open the door to find you there with the creepiest smile ever on your face asking if they’ve heard your idea yet.

Okay, I’m straining metaphors to the point of them breaking so I think I’m making my point. At least, I hope I am. If nothing else, your pitches should be repeated, persistent, polite and nothing like this. They should not be rambling, off-the-cuff affairs with bad humor and superfluous language that obfuscate the fact that you have nothing to say.

Year: 2010 (page 8 of 73)

IT CAME FROM NETFLIX! Trapped in Paradise

Quit Yer Bitchin’

Game Review: Poker Night at the Inventory

Into The Nentir Vale: Part 5

Be A Pitch Machine

Buy This Book!

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